Question) It appears that my daughter has very high expectations from herself. She has to turn in the perfect piece of work or else she will not even make an attempt. It is a struggle to help her understand that it will take several attempts before you can get it right. Some examples would be she would not practice her violin lessons because she thinks it doesn't sound right when she plays. She will not start writing her essays because she thinks that her opening will not be impressive enough. She is in elementary school.

Answer by Early Childhood Specialist from Building Healthy Minds and Happy Families

Having high expectations of oneself is a wonderful quality to have but it can become burdensome if the focus is always on the result. It sounds like she has become afraid of failure, whatever form that takes shape in her mind. Her desire to succeed needs to shift from “getting it right” and receiving the rewards and praise that go along with that, to an intrinsic self-motivation, where the desire is to learn. Because the value of getting things right is so important to her, it will be a gradual change.

The goal here would be to move her focus off the end product to the process. The vocabulary used to encourage her to do so should be carefully chosen. All of us are rather liberal with phrases such as, “good job” and “well done”. If the feedback given to children is based on the result rather than the method they may feel that they always have to do well, show reluctance to take on bigger challenges, fear that they might disappoint the parent or the teacher resulting in lower self-confidence, and require a constant need for approval. Instead, the attention should be shifted to the effort they put in to accomplish the task, the thought process behind their work and the strategies they use to problem solve. It would also be helpful to speak to her school teachers and caregivers so that they are on the same page.

It might be easier to begin with sports and games as the change may be less obvious. For example, if you’re playing a board game with her make it a fun event which isn’t about who wins, but about spending quality time with family. If she plays a sport, encourage her to give it her best rather than score the most goals. If she is doing a puzzle, instead of saying, “you did it” say, “you really thought hard about how to solve that.” It may also be helpful to have her tell stories that aren’t for school. Maybe play a game where each family member contributes one sentence at a time. Similarly, encourage her to create her own tune on the violin which is original and cannot be compared to something else. The idea here is to take the pressure off from having an end goal.

When she is trying to accomplish something difficult, explain that it’s helping her learn something new and if she feels frustrated, acknowledge that feeling, ask her to take a break and try again. Tell her stories about how you may have struggled to learn something new and how it took several attempts before you mastered it—parents are role models for kids and it may have an impact.

There are also several children’s books on wanting to be a perfectionist and you may be able to find one that is a good fit. (One example is “The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes” by Mark Pett and Gary Rubinstein.) You can discuss the book with her and ask questions about the central character and how she feels when she thinks she will fail. This creates a degree of separation from her own situation and she may be able to articulate her fears better. Once she does so, you can address them (in the context of the story and the character) and help her find solutions.

Please also look at the “Understanding Academic Achievement” blog post on theBuilding Healthy Minds and Happy Families for a more detailed explanation on the theory behind this approach. 

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