Question) My son is 6 years old and has got into the habit of pushing and hitting other kids when he thinks they won't listen to him.

Answer by Early Childhood Specialist from Building Healthy Minds and Happy Families:

Children tend to use physical means when they feel like they aren’t being heard. As they get older they are better able to curb that impulse. In this case, your son’s behavior is probably a direct consequence of past experience where other kids didn’t listen to him and he felt frustrated.

The following are some suggestions to deal with this situation: 

• Have a conversation with him at a time when he isn’t agitated. Ask him how he feels when his friends don’t listen to him. If he struggles with the right words, teach him feeling words like “angry, hurt, frustrated, lonely” etc. Help him see that you understand. 
• Discuss the consequences of his actions: somebody could get hurt, he might not be allowed to play anymore, point out how his friends might feel when he pushes or hits them, and perhaps worst of all, those children might prefer playing with others if they feel he is aggressive.
• Remind him of an instance when it last happened and ask him to recognize the pattern of events. Perhaps he asked to share something, a friend didn’t listen, he felt mad, and then he pushed him. Help him understand his body’s reaction to such an event: where in his body does he feel mad? Do his cheeks feel flushed, or his forehead become hot, do his palms get sweaty, does his heart race faster?
• Most importantly, create a plan for him to manage these “red flags”. The following is one such strategy: Step 1 – Ask the friend for what he wants in simple words. Step 2 – If the friend doesn’t listen or does something that he doesn’t like, tell him politely but assertively: “I don’t like that”, or “stop, don’t do that” etc. Step 3 – Ask a grown up for help if there is a teacher or a parent present. Step 4 – if the child continues to aggravate your son, teach him to walk away before he uses his hands. Step 5 – Ask him to consider other options – is there something else he could play with, could he sit down in a quiet corner for five minutes and then return to ask his friend again?  Teach him that taking a break is something we all need to do sometimes, even grown ups. Model such behavior at home especially when you’re feeling frustrated.
• Provide positive reinforcement when you see him making an effort. Be vigilant when you are with him and ask his teachers to do the same at school such that situations can be preemptively addressed and he begins to believe that he doesn’t need to resort to aggression.
• Examine future altercations with him to help him verbalize his feelings in that moment and determine what he could have done differently so he learns how to make a better choice next time. 
  

Things may not change all at once but if you see your son making an effort it’s only a matter of breaking that habit, which takes practice.

See more parenting strategies on the blog at www.sara-zaidi.com/parenting-blog