Questions) My daughter is very stubborn and keeps crying for every small thing, like when hungry, tired or sad. When we try to talk to her she won’t listen. Sometimes we do give in and sometimes we loose our patience. Is it normal for a 5 year old to cry this frequently?

Answer by Early Childhood Specialist from Building Healthy Minds and Happy Families

Children often tend to cry when they feel overwhelmed by feelings. The frequency of crying usually subsides when they start to talk and are better able to verbalize themselves. The ability to manage these emotions usually also kicks in around 3 years old but isn’t mastered by many children before the age of 5.

There are different types of cries at different ages. An infant cries so that his basic needs may be met. A 2 year old may cry because he doesn’t have the words to express himself and that leads to frustration. At 5 years old, children often cry in anticipation, for example, of not getting what they want or expecting some kind of change to occur. It’s essential to distinguish a cry for attention from one that has been triggered by something genuinely upsetting, and respond accordingly. You describe her as being stubborn, it sounds like it may be a battle of wills to see who wins or who gives in first. 5 year olds especially, don’t like being told “no” because they feel independent and worthy of more freedom.

Here are specific changes you can make to help manage these crying spells:

-        Act preemptively when she is tired or hungry:

In an effort to avoid her crying spells when she is hungry or tired, try putting her to bed earlier than you usually do, or encourage a short nap during the day. Have her eat healthy meals at regular times to ensure she isn’t cranky because she’s hungry. Help her recognize that she may be crying for those reasons when you feel that is the case, tell her, “it seems like you’re upset because you might be hungry, let’s get something to eat” or “it looks like you’re a little tired, let’s lay down for a while.”

-        Identify when she may be seeking attention and be consistent in your response

The importance of consistency in disciplining techniques cannot be emphasized enough. If a parent’s reaction is unpredictable, a child is more likely to test them hoping for the most positive response. Giving in to her demands just to get her to stop allows her to win the battle and become invigorated for the next round. Loosing patience with her probably just leaves you feeling guilty once she is asleep. You have to armor yourself to not let it get to that stage.

-        Connect with her emotionally, then appeal to her logic

During a tantrum, mirror her emotions with your words so she learns how to speak her mind rather than act it out, “You didn’t like that at all, I wish it could have been different. That’s disappointing.” Comfort her with nonverbal cues, a light touch or a nurturing look. Once she calms down, you can appeal to her logic. If she is upset about not getting her way: affirm her feelings, explain to her why that’s the case, and then busy yourself with something else such that you are immune to her reaction.

-        Evaluate your reaction to her crying spells

Provide appropriate levels of attention for different situations. For example, if she cries over getting hurt, examine the injury, if it’s minimal, give it a quick kiss and move things along. If she is genuinely feeling sad about something (a friend moving away or a grandparent leaving), help her learn that it’s okay to cry quietly when she feels sad on the inside and comfort herself with a favorite blanket or toy.

-        Finally and perhaps most importantly, assess the quality of time spent together

If she is indeed looking for attention, ask yourself the following questions: Is she able to spend time with you when you aren’t busy or preoccupied with something else? Is she able to play games or read books with you without interruptions (including glancing at your phone)? Does she know that she is your priority when you are with her?

Ideally, every child is entitled to one-on-one interactions with no distractions or interruptions for a specific amount of time (even fifteen minutes each day makes a huge difference), at approximately the same time of day (so they know when to expect it), doing an activity that does not involve any screen or technology (face to face is the idea). This allows children to see that their parent is willing to prioritize them and give them undivided attention. Therefore, if such a dynamic can become a regular feature, the need for seeking attention through crying can be minimized and an improvement in behavior should be evident within two to three weeks.

Meanwhile, try to remember that at five years old, the primitive (emotional) and evolved (rational) parts of the brain are only just beginning to connect. With time and with some help, she will learn how to exhibit more self-control and then, hopefully, the tears will be a part of the past. 

Please also look at the “Understanding Academic Achievement” blog post on theBuilding Healthy Minds and Happy Families for a more detailed explanation on the theory behind this approach. 

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